The Trouble With Feeling

For years now I've managed to keep buried that part of me that really feels. The last time I was deeply hurt I somehow, subconsciously managed to push the hurt away and stop myself from feeling. I haven't cried in years. I mean really cry - the kind of stomach wrenching, almost ill, can't go to sleep, sharp pain in your gut, kind of cry. Sure I'd watch a sad movie and tear-up, but this served only to convince me that I was normal and that I really did "feel" after all. I convinced myself that I was just a happy person. But I faced the world with cool detachment and that kept me sane. I was an ice princess. I didn't have to deal with this. But now, I'm hurting again. For real. It's 3:30 in the morning and I cannot sleep. My stomach hurts. I've been crying everywhere. In my office. At the gym. Tonight I almost lost it at a client dinner -- fortunately for my career, I managed to pretend that an eyelash got stuck in my contacts and I held it together until the clients left. But when a colleague inquired how I was doing, I cried again. What on earth is wrong with me? I want to go back to my frosty kingdom and stop feeling again. This is awful. And totally overrated.

Hope

Being Meredith Grey might not be so bad after all. If my life continues to play out like a television show, my Dr. McDreamy will realize that he chose wrong and will come back to me. I gave it my all & told him how I felt. Keep your fingers crossed for me.

I'm sick of being Meredith Grey & other thoughts on karma

I swear to god, in a past life I was hideously horrible to someone in a romantic relationship. Who knows what I did. Maybe I was that guy who slept with his best friend's wife. Or else I was that woman who stole her best friend's boyfriend. Whatever I did, I am certainly getting my karmic payback now. Yes, my friends, yet again I find myself again verging on the brink of uttering the famously pathetic words spoken by Meredith Grey to Dr. McDreamy -- "pick me, choose me, love me." You all know that I recently thought I'd met a great guy for a change. Things were going swimmingly well, or so I thought. We had fun together -- laughed constantly, shared similar views, the time together flew by. And I got caught up in it. I should have been wary and kept my guard up. That's always smarter and I know that. I've been around the block before. But this time I let myself leap. I let myself believe. Looking back, I don't think that was all my fault. He spoke in the future tense (which, I learned tonight is actually a cause of action in the securities realm -- apparently there are shareholder derivative suits based on lying "future" language in proxy statements and prospectus'). Conversations were peppered with things we would do together "at some point" in the future. He spoke of things as if our relationship was going somewhere. He met my family. And no one meets them. Every communication was perfect until this morning. When the bomb dropped. Some "ex" is back in the picture. And he's trying to decide what to do. Or so he tells me. I'm not sure if I should even believe that because really, what is there to decide? You either like someone or you don't. But I want to scream like Meredith - "pick me, choose me, love me, you fool." But I'm tired of relating to the Meredith's of this world. I want, for once, to just have it all work out. Damn karma. Haven't I made good by now?

Movies - Everyone Likes The Movies, Maybe This Will Get Us Rolling Again

All right, y'all - I know we're all busy as bees all the time, but I have enjoyed reading what you have to say on things from time to time too & I'm getting tired of the sound of my own voice. I'm concerned that perhaps the tone of this board has gotten too deep & that may be stopping us from writing. Or perhaps, everyone is really too busy with other things these days. Anyway, in my perpetual love of lists, I thought I'd try to come up with a list of my top five all-time favorite movies. Here goes:

1. Legally Blonde -- I just absolutely love love love this movie. Probably because I related to Elle Woods, despite the ridiculousness of her character, in law school. Like Elle, I was a bit of a fish out of water, being a returning student from an unknown undergrad, etc . . .

2. Bring It On -- Yes, another teeny-bopper flick, but it's about cheerleading. And oh how much fun did I have being a cheerleader. This movie just brings it all back.

3. Vertigo -- A classic Alfred Hitchcock film, shot in my neighborhood, albeit about 50 years ago. Classic suspense film. I love all Hitchcock films, but this one tops my list.

4. Match Point -- This maybe will fall off my list at some point in the future, but it's representative of my favorite kind of films. While not a caper, it has all the elements of a great suspense film with a twisted plot. Others in the category are Memento, The Spanish Prisoner, that sort of thing. Both of those could also make the list (is that cheating?), but I'll give the slot to Match Point at the moment.

5. The Princess Bride -- Now this one I love because it has some of the most classic movie scenes ever -- "My name is Inigo Montoya, you killed my father, prepare to die"; "Never get involved in a land war in Asia"; " I cannot choose the wine in front of you & I cannot choose the wine in front of me" -- ah, this movie kills me. And it has the classic romantic prince who saves the princess. And to quote from the movie directly: it has "Fencing, fighting, torture, revenge, giants, monsters, chases, escapes, true love, miracles..." A movie doesn't get any better than that!

Now, what do you all recommend I netflix next?

The big reveal

My friends, riddle me this, who have you told about our little blog? Any friends? Lovers? Boyfriends? Husbands? Personally, I've told no one. In my more animated moments, I've heard people say "oh my goodness, you should have a blog, yada yada." I always chuckle & think, if only they knew I do -- abeit sporadically -- write on this one with y'all. But then, my posts aren't particularly amusing and tend to be borne of late night ramblings on the darker days. If I told, would opinions change? Or if in fact, they would confirm that I mean what I say and have been remarkably consistent in my outlook. If you have spilled, what's the reaction been?