The 90% Rule

Riddle me this, if something in your life -- say, dating someone, for example -- is going "90%" well, do you pull the trigger because you're concerned about the 10% that isn't like the other 90? Is it premature or prescient? I thought that I'd figured out the best way to be broken up with -- which is honestly. I still stand by that. For the first time in my life, I was just involved in an actual, "honest" break up. None of the "it's not you, it's me" bullshit. This time it was pure "It is you, I don't see myself falling in love with you" honesty. Yes, it was harsh. Yes, it hurt. Yes, I cried. Yes, it was probably a bit messier for both parties involved. But at least I feel like I know why. That ultimately makes it much easier.

I feel like I've learned a bit more about how people approach relationships. You see, here, the issue was the 90% rule. We both probably felt the same way -- that "90%" of the relationship felt great. Then there was the 10%. For me, that's the zone of uncertainty. The area that you don't get to know until you've been with someone for a while. The discovery period, if you will indulge my legalistic tendencies. If the 10% starts growing into a larger gap, and becomes 20 or 30 percent, then I'll move to break up the relationship. Similarly, if after a long time, the 10 percent is stagnant and something is just off, then I'll likely do the same thing.

The key difference between him and me is that I give things a chance. I wait a "long time" before I decide that something won't ever quite work. I play relationships to the death. It's a different approach. He doesn't play that way. He prefers to "listen to the gut" that part that speaks early, before people get invested. Maybe that's a better way to go. For me, it never will be. I'd always wonder. And I'd probably blow the person up into The One That Got Away if I did that all the time. This latest adventure is for me then, an object lesson. Next time, rather than play the "wait and see" game, which is my usual M-O, I'll initiate the "Defining The Relationship" ("DTR") talk sooner. It would be nice to know if I was seeing someone who pulls the trigger fast. That person would probably want to quickly define the relationship as a dating one. The person who backs off of the conversation or awkwardly tries to avoid it may actually be someone more like me. More of the "this is going well, lets wait and see" variety.

I personally don't think my approach leads to greater heartache. At the threshold, heartache is impossible to avoid. It doesn't matter how long you're involved with someone. If, in the end, you want to continue the relationship and the other person doesn't, there's heartache regardless. And more importantly, when I "wait and see," I know that I really gave a potential relationship a good shot and that I wasn't hasty in my judgment.

But there's no matching someone else's style if you come at romance from different viewpoints. In the end, I'm glad there was honesty. I can move on that way without the second guessing. Maybe I'd ultimately have reached the same conclusion as his gut did. I'd rather have done things my way. But isn't that the case with everything?

Peter Pan, I am

When we are children, being different is praised and admired. Children's books are filled with characters that are odd or extraordinary or somehow don't fit in with everyone else, and this isn't a bad thing. These characters have adventures and the world they live in is far from ordinary. I've always loved children's books. They may be the only thing about childhood that I loved and still love today. All those pages filled with lands far away, mystery, suspense and wonder. I used to spend hours reading as a kid, and imagined myself to be the odd main characters. That took me away from the tedium of the ordinary, the everyday. There were many fictional types that I related to -- like the Fossil sisters in the Dancing Shoe series. Oh how I longed to be an English orphan who danced in the Christmas pantomime for her new stockings. I loved fantasy too -- the Chronicles of Narnia and the terrifying White Witch. I'm still charmed by Turkish Delight and I love that it's a real dessert. I'll order it just because it comes from Narnia and wonder if anyone else thinks the same thing. Then there was Maria von Trapp. While not a literary character, per se, I loved the idea that a woman could be so giddy and free that somehow she'd have to get shipped off to a nunnery where even the nuns couldn't deal with her and then she'd have to go live in a mansion where the lonely, haunted man was so charmed by her happiness and light that he dumped the evil baroness to be with her. A little nuts, but I love the idea that men really truly fall for the odd ducks. I could go on since I relate to just about every far off world and quirky heroine, there were a few that really stuck with me and in some way, maybe just by planting the seed of an idea helped shape who I am.

Pippi Longstocking was the first such character. Good god was she different. She braided her hair to make it stick out sideways, wore funny stockings and never gave a shit about what anyone else thought. She had mad style. I loved Pippi. I wanted to be Pippi. I even went so far as to take a clothes hanger to try to fashion braids that stuck out. I walked around for a solid week wearing stacks of costume jewelry beads until my mother made me take them off to effect Pippi's unique style. I outgrew Pippi, but I like to think I never got over the comfort that she found in being different from everyone else. I still wear odd outfits from time to time. Shorts w/ tights and lots of pearls and a Chanel-knockoff jacket to dinner. My ode to Pippi.

Next came Anne of Green Gables, perhaps the most defining character in my fictional/personal history. Oddly enough, I don't remember much about this series other than I wanted to be Anne Shirley so badly that I told everyone I had red hair even though mine was blonde because I thought that if I said it enough out loud it could maybe, possibly be true. I do remember this -- Anne lived by a couple of rules. The first was to always be true to yourself and to be yourself, no matter how silly or out of place in time, character or temperament you were. She believed in kindred spirits and very best friends. For Anne, her girl friendships were just as important as her romantic relationships (or in her case, relationship with Gilbert). I loved that. I started looking for kindred spirits as soon as I read about the idea. I still look for that in my friendships today and I think I've been quite lucky to find those qualities. Not people who are exactly like me, but people who get me.

Nancy Drew. I don't know that I would have ever become a lawyer if it weren't for Nancy Drew, girl detective. I really wanted to be a detective when I was a pre-teen reading these books. Quickly, though, I learned that detectives work on the police force if they are legitimate and private detectives are sort of scummy characters who work for insurance companies. Never mind. But solving mysteries, having your own career, driving a great car with the hot boyfriend. Nancy had it all. I went for the modern version of Nancy.

There are more, I'm sure. But these three really jump out. Perhaps because I spent the most fictional time with these women due to the prolific nature of their authors. I spent hours in the library devouring book after book about these women. Nature, nurture or literature. Maybe that's the question.

Standing Still

For better or worse, I don't have a bucket list these days. And that is, perhaps, why I haven't been writing. I don't have much to say. I am neither blissfully happy nor ridden with angst. My life is still these days. Most changes are so incremental, I barely recognize them. But I am content. Happy, even. And happy to recognize it while I'm living it.

I have stopped planning the future. It's a huge change for me. Like my mother, I tend to think about the six next steps in life and to try to plan for them. But I've realized two things of late. First, that planning rarely works. The best laid plans of mice and men and all that. But second, and more importantly, I'm learning to live in the present and to enjoy that. I don't know what comes next. And that's ok. For now, I am happy standing still.

I look at my life sometimes and wonder how I got here, but I'm not troubled by it. I'm just surprised. I spend more time with myself than I ever have before and I think that has been good for me. I thought it might make me narcissistic and that I'd spend my days navel-gazing, but instead, it has, in some ways, set me free from myself and allowed me to just be without having to figure out why, who, what, when, where.

I like it. It is peaceful here.

The bucket list (blatantly ripped off)

So lately I've been so manically happy that I haven't been posting due to a complete lack of angst. I'm still manically happy, but I miss our writing in this forum, and hope that we get going again. To that end, I figured I'd go back to list-making, as that does seem to spark us a bit. I don't want to write about resolutions. Those always seem so trite and frankly, I don't ever make them. At least not at the New Year. I'm always resolving to do something, but I don't like to do so as an annual scheduled exercise. Lists are popular this year. Hollywood is even getting into the game with the Bucket List. I like that concept, so here's my stab at it, or a list of things I want to do before I die:

- Live in New Orleans again
- Fall in love again and have a real relationship with that person
- Travel: Spain, Greece, India, Mexico, Africa, Germany, Switzerland, Brazil
- Write a novel or any kind of book, really
- Start some kind of business that involves party planning
- Learn more about digital photography
- Take a painting class
- Learn the basics of sewing on a machine
- Learn how to do basic computer coding so that I can design and run my own website, perhaps for my party planning business to come
- Learn about graphic design
- Perhaps get an MFA or at least take a lot of art and design classes
- Stay inspired

This is a short list and like all of my lists, I suspect it will change with time. What's on your lists?