The 90% Rule
Riddle me this, if something in your life -- say, dating someone, for example -- is going "90%" well, do you pull the trigger because you're concerned about the 10% that isn't like the other 90? Is it premature or prescient? I thought that I'd figured out the best way to be broken up with -- which is honestly. I still stand by that. For the first time in my life, I was just involved in an actual, "honest" break up. None of the "it's not you, it's me" bullshit. This time it was pure "It is you, I don't see myself falling in love with you" honesty. Yes, it was harsh. Yes, it hurt. Yes, I cried. Yes, it was probably a bit messier for both parties involved. But at least I feel like I know why. That ultimately makes it much easier.
I feel like I've learned a bit more about how people approach relationships. You see, here, the issue was the 90% rule. We both probably felt the same way -- that "90%" of the relationship felt great. Then there was the 10%. For me, that's the zone of uncertainty. The area that you don't get to know until you've been with someone for a while. The discovery period, if you will indulge my legalistic tendencies. If the 10% starts growing into a larger gap, and becomes 20 or 30 percent, then I'll move to break up the relationship. Similarly, if after a long time, the 10 percent is stagnant and something is just off, then I'll likely do the same thing.
The key difference between him and me is that I give things a chance. I wait a "long time" before I decide that something won't ever quite work. I play relationships to the death. It's a different approach. He doesn't play that way. He prefers to "listen to the gut" that part that speaks early, before people get invested. Maybe that's a better way to go. For me, it never will be. I'd always wonder. And I'd probably blow the person up into The One That Got Away if I did that all the time. This latest adventure is for me then, an object lesson. Next time, rather than play the "wait and see" game, which is my usual M-O, I'll initiate the "Defining The Relationship" ("DTR") talk sooner. It would be nice to know if I was seeing someone who pulls the trigger fast. That person would probably want to quickly define the relationship as a dating one. The person who backs off of the conversation or awkwardly tries to avoid it may actually be someone more like me. More of the "this is going well, lets wait and see" variety.
I personally don't think my approach leads to greater heartache. At the threshold, heartache is impossible to avoid. It doesn't matter how long you're involved with someone. If, in the end, you want to continue the relationship and the other person doesn't, there's heartache regardless. And more importantly, when I "wait and see," I know that I really gave a potential relationship a good shot and that I wasn't hasty in my judgment.
But there's no matching someone else's style if you come at romance from different viewpoints. In the end, I'm glad there was honesty. I can move on that way without the second guessing. Maybe I'd ultimately have reached the same conclusion as his gut did. I'd rather have done things my way. But isn't that the case with everything?
I feel like I've learned a bit more about how people approach relationships. You see, here, the issue was the 90% rule. We both probably felt the same way -- that "90%" of the relationship felt great. Then there was the 10%. For me, that's the zone of uncertainty. The area that you don't get to know until you've been with someone for a while. The discovery period, if you will indulge my legalistic tendencies. If the 10% starts growing into a larger gap, and becomes 20 or 30 percent, then I'll move to break up the relationship. Similarly, if after a long time, the 10 percent is stagnant and something is just off, then I'll likely do the same thing.
The key difference between him and me is that I give things a chance. I wait a "long time" before I decide that something won't ever quite work. I play relationships to the death. It's a different approach. He doesn't play that way. He prefers to "listen to the gut" that part that speaks early, before people get invested. Maybe that's a better way to go. For me, it never will be. I'd always wonder. And I'd probably blow the person up into The One That Got Away if I did that all the time. This latest adventure is for me then, an object lesson. Next time, rather than play the "wait and see" game, which is my usual M-O, I'll initiate the "Defining The Relationship" ("DTR") talk sooner. It would be nice to know if I was seeing someone who pulls the trigger fast. That person would probably want to quickly define the relationship as a dating one. The person who backs off of the conversation or awkwardly tries to avoid it may actually be someone more like me. More of the "this is going well, lets wait and see" variety.
I personally don't think my approach leads to greater heartache. At the threshold, heartache is impossible to avoid. It doesn't matter how long you're involved with someone. If, in the end, you want to continue the relationship and the other person doesn't, there's heartache regardless. And more importantly, when I "wait and see," I know that I really gave a potential relationship a good shot and that I wasn't hasty in my judgment.
But there's no matching someone else's style if you come at romance from different viewpoints. In the end, I'm glad there was honesty. I can move on that way without the second guessing. Maybe I'd ultimately have reached the same conclusion as his gut did. I'd rather have done things my way. But isn't that the case with everything?
Labels: because writing helps me process
posted by LuLu at
6:31 PM
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