I'm sick of being Meredith Grey & other thoughts on karma
I swear to god, in a past life I was hideously horrible to someone in a romantic relationship. Who knows what I did. Maybe I was that guy who slept with his best friend's wife. Or else I was that woman who stole her best friend's boyfriend. Whatever I did, I am certainly getting my karmic payback now. Yes, my friends, yet again I find myself again verging on the brink of uttering the famously pathetic words spoken by Meredith Grey to Dr. McDreamy -- "pick me, choose me, love me." You all know that I recently thought I'd met a great guy for a change. Things were going swimmingly well, or so I thought. We had fun together -- laughed constantly, shared similar views, the time together flew by. And I got caught up in it. I should have been wary and kept my guard up. That's always smarter and I know that. I've been around the block before. But this time I let myself leap. I let myself believe. Looking back, I don't think that was all my fault. He spoke in the future tense (which, I learned tonight is actually a cause of action in the securities realm -- apparently there are shareholder derivative suits based on lying "future" language in proxy statements and prospectus'). Conversations were peppered with things we would do together "at some point" in the future. He spoke of things as if our relationship was going somewhere. He met my family. And no one meets them. Every communication was perfect until this morning. When the bomb dropped. Some "ex" is back in the picture. And he's trying to decide what to do. Or so he tells me. I'm not sure if I should even believe that because really, what is there to decide? You either like someone or you don't. But I want to scream like Meredith - "pick me, choose me, love me, you fool." But I'm tired of relating to the Meredith's of this world. I want, for once, to just have it all work out. Damn karma. Haven't I made good by now?
posted by LuLu at
9:24 PM
1 Comments:
(1) Whatever you do, do NOT take your cues on future relationships/solicit relationship advice from the realm of securities laws. Believe me. It is a very fucked up place, and its rules are set up so that things appear to be under control but a scandal erupts every two years or so. Mssive legal bills. Many head aches. Bad acne. Not good.
(2) Don't let him steal your trust. That is the good thing you got out of all of this. You learned that, even after all of these years, even after all of the past hurt, you could still trust. Still take the leap. Though you got burned this time, you *must* still hang on to that knowlegde that you do have the ability to trust and exercise that ability again as soon as the next opportunity presents itself. Yes, it puts you at risk, but you only get to stop being Meredith Grey at some point if you continue to take risks till this life decides you finally got it right/finally chose wisely. Better to have put your all into it, and get hurt, even though it hurts more, because then you were giving the situation the best chance possible to flourish/have long term viability. If not, and you remain relatively detached, and then it fails, well, then you hurt less, but you still are hurt, and you cheated yourself of really having a chance at happiness (or even really enjoying things when they were going well). I suffered two break ups in the span of two weeks with two different men (peculiarly, who shared one name) neither of whom I was dating (because apparently I called Karma's mother a dirty whore, or some other unforgivable transgression in a past life as well) because of precisely that whole "let me hold back - otherwise it will scare him away and it is going to hurt too much" BS. The first break up worked out for the best (though it was fun while it lasted and, though he is a sociopath, the end of the fun is still sad), and the second, well, it will haunt me for the rest of my days. I will always regret not just being open with how I felt - with him, with myself. No guarantees that it would have worked out. Not likely even. But feeling that my not being open slammed even the crack of the door shut. Well, that is a hurt that will *never* go away. So DO NOT do that. The next guy could be that right guy. He could be all of those things that this one was PLUS the sensitivity/awareness/self actualization necessary to be in an adult relationship. But if you won't trust, then you may miss him. Your eyes may not be open to him, or they may see him, but just glaze over or move right past him. Not good.
What we - you and I - are, besides perennial singletons, are people struggling to match up the visions in our heads with the people before us. Part of it is that it is a learning process to figure out what we want/need, part of it is being able to see it when it is in front of you. In many ways, I think the second part is the harder one.
I think this relationship stuff is easy for a lot of people. I don't know why it is harder for some of us. You know I have many theories as tho why that might be, but no concrete response. But whatever we may have fucked up in a past life, we are good, earnest people in this one (well, you are all of the time, and I at least have my moments). Flaws aside, we also deserve to be loved. But we are rather complex as well, and, admit it, loving either one of us, not going to be an easy thing. It will require constant attention and vigilance, but it will be worth it. Just need to find the person for whom that attention and vigilance is not work, but rather simply well accorded effort.
Okay, I ramble.
But if anyone has fucked with their karma, it is the guy. In this life. He is coming back as a cockroach in the next one.
Post a Comment
Subscribe to Post Comments [Atom]
<< Home