The Trouble With Feeling

For years now I've managed to keep buried that part of me that really feels. The last time I was deeply hurt I somehow, subconsciously managed to push the hurt away and stop myself from feeling. I haven't cried in years. I mean really cry - the kind of stomach wrenching, almost ill, can't go to sleep, sharp pain in your gut, kind of cry. Sure I'd watch a sad movie and tear-up, but this served only to convince me that I was normal and that I really did "feel" after all. I convinced myself that I was just a happy person. But I faced the world with cool detachment and that kept me sane. I was an ice princess. I didn't have to deal with this. But now, I'm hurting again. For real. It's 3:30 in the morning and I cannot sleep. My stomach hurts. I've been crying everywhere. In my office. At the gym. Tonight I almost lost it at a client dinner -- fortunately for my career, I managed to pretend that an eyelash got stuck in my contacts and I held it together until the clients left. But when a colleague inquired how I was doing, I cried again. What on earth is wrong with me? I want to go back to my frosty kingdom and stop feeling again. This is awful. And totally overrated.