The mean reds
When I was just a little girl, I asked my mother "What will I be?" . . . "Will I be pretty? Will I be rich?" And here's what she said to me "Que sera sera, whatever will be, will be. The future's not ours to see. Que sera sera."
When I was little, my grandmother used to sing that verse all the time when she drove me around town. It's from Alfred Hitchcock's "The Man Who Knew Too Much" and it signals things sinister. I think of that song and my grandmother's voice singing it every now and then and find it rather fortuitous. I am still in the middle of my story and I don't know what the future holds. Some days I'm hopeful. CLC remarked recently that my recent encounters and plot twists sound a bit like something the screenwriters at "One Life to Live" would come up with. On days like those, I feel young and like I am just barely beyond the opening credits of my story. Other days, I don't. I feel like the future couldn't possibly hold anything interesting or exciting because the interesting has already happened. And I feel stuck. Not like I can't change things, but like the options are all too limited, too staid, too within the same genre and not at all exciting. I worry that I won't find the passion I've often had for life. Those days I am down. At night the mean reds come and upset me. They've been chasing me for a few weeks now and I want them to go away. I know they will. It's just a matter of time.
When I was little, my grandmother used to sing that verse all the time when she drove me around town. It's from Alfred Hitchcock's "The Man Who Knew Too Much" and it signals things sinister. I think of that song and my grandmother's voice singing it every now and then and find it rather fortuitous. I am still in the middle of my story and I don't know what the future holds. Some days I'm hopeful. CLC remarked recently that my recent encounters and plot twists sound a bit like something the screenwriters at "One Life to Live" would come up with. On days like those, I feel young and like I am just barely beyond the opening credits of my story. Other days, I don't. I feel like the future couldn't possibly hold anything interesting or exciting because the interesting has already happened. And I feel stuck. Not like I can't change things, but like the options are all too limited, too staid, too within the same genre and not at all exciting. I worry that I won't find the passion I've often had for life. Those days I am down. At night the mean reds come and upset me. They've been chasing me for a few weeks now and I want them to go away. I know they will. It's just a matter of time.
posted by LuLu at
12:17 AM
2 Comments:
A lot of stressful things have been coming your way lately. You have dealt with them masterfully, but it isn't surprising that doing so takes a lot out of you. I know it is easy to get into a "mean reds" phase - believe me (probably been stuck there for years myself) - but there is always hope. In the OLTL vernacular, there is *always* a plot twist around the corner. Yes, some may be predictable and/or cliched, but there is always an unpredictable one around the corner. Just think - a year ago, two years ago could you have predicted the path your life has taken? You *will* get what you want and what you need in this life. Those of us who are rather, hmmm, particular (fussy? ;))just tend to take a little longer to find it.
There was a jazz album someone was telling me about a few years ago with a great title - "Feeling Orange, Sometimes Blue." Sounds like a pretty cool philosophy to me.
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