Stream of consciousness

Dating is a funny thing. It takes me back to an observation that I've made before about myself -- there are times in my life when I need different things and the men in my life tend to reflect the "need of the moment." This has always slightly concerned me because I do think that I would like to be in a relationship that lasts for a while. But I don't know if that's possible for me because I suffer from restlessness. From the outside, I might look staid and stable given that I've kept the same job for years now and I've lived in the same place for a similar amount of time. But my feelings towards all of it change often. I've been accused of not sharing what I'm thinking of doing with friends until it's done. Of being "shocking" or at least, of taking people by surprise with sudden moves. I don't surprise myself at all. I can feel the restlessness bubbling up and the need to change things up again building. A decade ago it drove me across the country because I felt stifled here. I had a good life but I needed to change things. I needed the excitement and the rush of something new. I profess to hate change, but I think I only really engage when things are changing. I create my own drama. It's why I never was able to be the kid who was totally focused on any one after-school activity or sport; I need variety and a lot of it. This past fall I contemplated going the distance at work and tried to delve into it. When I get that way, I speak in extremes and I create version of myself that matches my goal. But that choice was too focused. On the dating theory, the person I sought to date at the time was a similarly work-driven personality. It was intoxicating to me then because that personality type matched the change I thought I wanted to make. Sometimes we have to go to opposite extremes to end up where we should and I was in the extreme zone then. I didn't talk about it because I don't do that. I act -- then I talk. Soon though, the restlessness kicked in and I knew I couldn't be "that work person" because it was too focused, too final, too certain. I need to run free. I like some stability, but not when it's all there is. I crave the new, the exciting, the story, the movie that is my life. Right now things are new and they are fun and that is intoxicating. I think I'm moving toward the person I really am and that I'm ready to just be myself for a while and not a created version. That may be the source of the restless - I'm tired of the characters I was creating and I'm ready to stop running. For those following my old posts, I've gotten back in the game. And it's suiting me right now.