Haute Couture
"Commitment" is a word that has always made me sit up and take notice. Hearing it makes me walk a little taller, run my hand over my hair, and suck in my gut. Beaming, ogling and longing all at the same time, my eyes are transfixed by "commitment" as I inevitably trip over my feet. I have "commitment" in my sights. I am transfixed. I won't let it go.
"Commitment" may not want me, but goddamnit, I want it, and I can make it reciprocate. I can. I will. I have. Well, I tried. And tried. And tried.
Somehow, things never quite worked out.
I think I know why. I have always held commitment up to be both the loftiest of goals and the supreme state of being. If you are committed - to your job, to your responsibilities, or even more divine, to someone else - your life is perfect.
I will go one record as having been wrong, on a number of counts. It is shocking, I know, so maybe some people need to sit down before we proceed any further. Grab a glass of water. Perch yourself on the fainting couch. Pull out a fan. Keep the medic alert bracelet at the ready. Everyone prepared?
Okay, so here goes. Being perfect is a stupid goal because it is impossible. It is a self-imposed sentence of unhappiness because, while important to always be striving, you should also be continually achieving. Perfection is elusive and therefore demoralizing. Simple enough, right?
This much I think I have known for a long time. I just didn't want to truly acknowledge it. The quest for perfection is a lofty and honorable (if not practical) enough goal to justify the martyrdom of perpetual unhappiness and dissatisfaction, so you can see how I was loathe to give it up. Deny the pursuit of perfection and part of my excuse to perpetually whine falls away. Couldn't let that happen.
But there is more. There is the other axis of the centrifugal force the was the vortex of my unhappiness - the tortured devotion to commitment. I admire commitments made by others (which is why weddings will *always* make me weepy, no matter whether the participants are total strangers or close family members - the pledge of lifelong commitment gets me every time) - in the personal lives, in their professional lives. Those that follow through, regardless of personal price, have always garnered my highest esteem. At one point (but for the marriage part), I though myself to be one of them. In the last few years, I have had to admit that such is not the case for me. It was hard for me to remain committed, to follow through, because I allowed the weight of my pain and inner demons to crush me, and I stopped fighting them in any real sense of the word. Nonetheless, I always aspired to be totally committed in every way (if I had stayed at the firm another day, I certainly would have had my wish, as sooner rather than later, a straight jacket would have been in order), and did my best to honor the ideal. I honored the ideal to the tune of nearly 1400 hours, to living in situations I found untenable for months, to continuing in romantic relationships I found painful, to simply ignoring family issues that pulled and tore at my insides, to ignoring personal needs and still attempting to be someone else more appropriate (and failing). I was committed all right, to all of the wrong things.
I realize now that you can be committed and still walk away, and it is in the very walking away that you are honoring your commitments. I have a friend who recently decided that her marriage was over. There was still love, but there were insurmountable issues. Issues which her spouse may have eventually accepted, but it would have always left him wondering and unhappy. In walking away, she is loving, honoring and cherishing him. She is protecting his dreams and aspirations. She made a commitment and she is honoring that love, that promise, in the walking away. It is the more difficult thing, but unquestionably it is the right thing.
Less extreme, but all I have to offer forth from my own experience, is my walking away from my BigLaw job (at long last). Of course, to the greater world, the move looks like another lateral one - from one job to another (granted a much better job in a much better situation), but I know that I made the decision (and set the process into motion) independent of the other job. I had to leave BigLaw to honor a commitment I had long neglected, the commitment to take care of myself. Nominally I have been doing so, and, let's be honest, I certainly have lavished attention on myself in vast quantities these last few years. My navel has been scrutinized like no one's business. But if I were really committed to caring for myself, I would follow through, I would do the things that are good for me. Item 1 - leaving the job that was not so slowly killing me. I (and I think everyone that knows me even casually) would be hard pressed to come up with a job more ill suited to someone with my emotional makeup than the one that I did for nearly six years. Six years!!! My god, what was I doing? What did I have to prove? And to whom? It was safe to stay. Though I did make one move - but to a place just like the one I had left (or worse, actually). But it was about hedging my bets or rather "leaving my options open." That is how I have made every decision I have ever made in life from college to law school to my jobs (and hell, even in my romantic relationships) - "What is the move I can make that leaves me with the most options?" In other words, what can I do to ostensibly make a move now, but really leave the true decision till some nebulous (and hopefull far off) "other" time. Well, I am nearly thirty. It is probably as good a time as any to start making the "real" decisions now. The ones that commit me to the life I am living. The one's where I do follow through.
I have made a list. There are three things I have to do. Goals - commitments - which I believe will honor the life I want to live and person I want to be. My judgment, especially with regards to what (and certain who's) are good for me has been questionable in the past. Okay, it has been downright shitty. I openly admit it. I have no perspective when it comes to myself. However, in the last couple of months, there have been decisions I have made based on nothing more scientific nor eloquent than "listening to my gut" and these decisions, large and small, which I would have imagined would have caused me consternation have caused me little, if any, pause at all. In fact, the net net has been positive. So my three goals are grounded in the gut. I will just need to honor and commit myself to them as best I can. I may share them eventually, but for now, I want to see if I can hold myself accountable in the vacuum that is my mind. I have so often made promises to myself that I have so quickly and carelessly broken. I need to prove that I can follow through when no one is watching, after all, isn't it what you do then that counts the most?
"Commitment" may not want me, but goddamnit, I want it, and I can make it reciprocate. I can. I will. I have. Well, I tried. And tried. And tried.
Somehow, things never quite worked out.
I think I know why. I have always held commitment up to be both the loftiest of goals and the supreme state of being. If you are committed - to your job, to your responsibilities, or even more divine, to someone else - your life is perfect.
I will go one record as having been wrong, on a number of counts. It is shocking, I know, so maybe some people need to sit down before we proceed any further. Grab a glass of water. Perch yourself on the fainting couch. Pull out a fan. Keep the medic alert bracelet at the ready. Everyone prepared?
Okay, so here goes. Being perfect is a stupid goal because it is impossible. It is a self-imposed sentence of unhappiness because, while important to always be striving, you should also be continually achieving. Perfection is elusive and therefore demoralizing. Simple enough, right?
This much I think I have known for a long time. I just didn't want to truly acknowledge it. The quest for perfection is a lofty and honorable (if not practical) enough goal to justify the martyrdom of perpetual unhappiness and dissatisfaction, so you can see how I was loathe to give it up. Deny the pursuit of perfection and part of my excuse to perpetually whine falls away. Couldn't let that happen.
But there is more. There is the other axis of the centrifugal force the was the vortex of my unhappiness - the tortured devotion to commitment. I admire commitments made by others (which is why weddings will *always* make me weepy, no matter whether the participants are total strangers or close family members - the pledge of lifelong commitment gets me every time) - in the personal lives, in their professional lives. Those that follow through, regardless of personal price, have always garnered my highest esteem. At one point (but for the marriage part), I though myself to be one of them. In the last few years, I have had to admit that such is not the case for me. It was hard for me to remain committed, to follow through, because I allowed the weight of my pain and inner demons to crush me, and I stopped fighting them in any real sense of the word. Nonetheless, I always aspired to be totally committed in every way (if I had stayed at the firm another day, I certainly would have had my wish, as sooner rather than later, a straight jacket would have been in order), and did my best to honor the ideal. I honored the ideal to the tune of nearly 1400 hours, to living in situations I found untenable for months, to continuing in romantic relationships I found painful, to simply ignoring family issues that pulled and tore at my insides, to ignoring personal needs and still attempting to be someone else more appropriate (and failing). I was committed all right, to all of the wrong things.
I realize now that you can be committed and still walk away, and it is in the very walking away that you are honoring your commitments. I have a friend who recently decided that her marriage was over. There was still love, but there were insurmountable issues. Issues which her spouse may have eventually accepted, but it would have always left him wondering and unhappy. In walking away, she is loving, honoring and cherishing him. She is protecting his dreams and aspirations. She made a commitment and she is honoring that love, that promise, in the walking away. It is the more difficult thing, but unquestionably it is the right thing.
Less extreme, but all I have to offer forth from my own experience, is my walking away from my BigLaw job (at long last). Of course, to the greater world, the move looks like another lateral one - from one job to another (granted a much better job in a much better situation), but I know that I made the decision (and set the process into motion) independent of the other job. I had to leave BigLaw to honor a commitment I had long neglected, the commitment to take care of myself. Nominally I have been doing so, and, let's be honest, I certainly have lavished attention on myself in vast quantities these last few years. My navel has been scrutinized like no one's business. But if I were really committed to caring for myself, I would follow through, I would do the things that are good for me. Item 1 - leaving the job that was not so slowly killing me. I (and I think everyone that knows me even casually) would be hard pressed to come up with a job more ill suited to someone with my emotional makeup than the one that I did for nearly six years. Six years!!! My god, what was I doing? What did I have to prove? And to whom? It was safe to stay. Though I did make one move - but to a place just like the one I had left (or worse, actually). But it was about hedging my bets or rather "leaving my options open." That is how I have made every decision I have ever made in life from college to law school to my jobs (and hell, even in my romantic relationships) - "What is the move I can make that leaves me with the most options?" In other words, what can I do to ostensibly make a move now, but really leave the true decision till some nebulous (and hopefull far off) "other" time. Well, I am nearly thirty. It is probably as good a time as any to start making the "real" decisions now. The ones that commit me to the life I am living. The one's where I do follow through.
I have made a list. There are three things I have to do. Goals - commitments - which I believe will honor the life I want to live and person I want to be. My judgment, especially with regards to what (and certain who's) are good for me has been questionable in the past. Okay, it has been downright shitty. I openly admit it. I have no perspective when it comes to myself. However, in the last couple of months, there have been decisions I have made based on nothing more scientific nor eloquent than "listening to my gut" and these decisions, large and small, which I would have imagined would have caused me consternation have caused me little, if any, pause at all. In fact, the net net has been positive. So my three goals are grounded in the gut. I will just need to honor and commit myself to them as best I can. I may share them eventually, but for now, I want to see if I can hold myself accountable in the vacuum that is my mind. I have so often made promises to myself that I have so quickly and carelessly broken. I need to prove that I can follow through when no one is watching, after all, isn't it what you do then that counts the most?
Labels: Babbling Infrequent Correspondent, Ramblings, Say Goodbye to the O Face
posted by CLC at
8:45 PM
3 Comments:
I think committing to yourself is the hardest thing to do. You, like me, come from a "type A" background. You're the oldest, you need to set an example (i.e. live your life for someone else); you've done well, you should go to X school because it will open doors (i.e. live your life based on someone else's expectations); you should stay at this job because it's prestigious/well-paying/a good stepping stone/fill in the blank here (i.e. fill in someone else's goals here). It's hard to stop and ask the question "does this make me happy?" Maybe you can't ask it because others depend on you. Maybe answering the question will make you realize that you've been wasting years of your life trying to make some fictitious person happy. Maybe you're living to fufill someone else's expectations of you - your parents, your siblings, your lovers, your husband's, etc . . . It takes a lot to stop caring what the rest of the world thinks and to do what makes you happy. At the end of the day, no one is grading your life.
I'm so happy for you.
So I agree. The best, most important, and probably only real commitment you can make is to yourself. Without that one, the rest are just about staying in one place, you know? If you can commit to yourself and to making yourself happy, then maybe the rest falls into place. Commitment for its own sake isn't worth much, I don't think. For example, getting married just to get married doesn't make anyone happy in the end (although my grandma would disagree with that last sentence, but then she never let her husband talk, so . . . ). If you are truly committed to you, then you can't stay in a job, relationship, roommate situation, whatever, that makes you unhappy. That is dishonoring your commitment.
Anyway, whatever it takes - you owe it to yourself to commit to you.
And when you are ready - I'm interested to hear what's on the list.
There's not too much I can add. Both lulu and tjh2 point out that committing to yourself is really hard, but also incredibly rewarding. I know I am constantly trying to decipher the "real" reason behind the decisions I make (is it really for me, or is it because it's what is expected).
I admire your attitude towards making and keeping your committment. It is easy to rant about the societal expectations and pressures that women (esp. oldest children) face (goodness knows I've done my share). But it doesn't get you anywhere and it doesn't make you happier. It all comes down to believing that your happiness, sanity, health, etc. are worthy goals unto themselves. That sounds so obvious but I think we all understand how hard it can be to practice.
So - cheers to you and here's to living your life for you!
Post a Comment
Subscribe to Post Comments [Atom]
<< Home