It's me who is my enemy

I have always been an emotionally closed person. Going back to childhood, I never wanted to show my feelings. I didn't want to let anyone know that I had a bad day, that I was sad. Somehow I came to believe in the idea that being positive was the only way to be. I don't know why. I also have always played it close to the vest with the rest of my emotions. Never let 'em see you sweat, cry, care, love, hate. The first time I ever opened up was with the infamous Marius 1. The high school boyfriend turned fiancee. He told me that he couldn't love me unless I opened up to him. Petrified of losing him, I did. I shared. I told him everything that I felt, thought, hoped, dreamed, cared about, etc . . . And then he left me. He left me and he knew about me. This betrayal hurt more than anything I have ever known. I don't need a shrink to tell me this. It changed me. I was closed before, but during that brief period, I was open. Emotional even. I'll never be that way again. Today I pretend-share. I don't really open up when the stakes are high. When the relationship is new, developing. I couldn't bear to share and then have another one leave. Because then it would be about me. By not sharing, no one ever really knows me. And if they don't know me, they can't leave me for being me. They can leave me for who they think I might be, but they'll never really know. Maybe some wonder. I doubt it though. Why wonder when I gave no clues, no hints as to who I really am. Sometimes I share more of myself during the leaving phase, the breaking up. But then I have nothing to lose because they aren't leaving based on new revelations. They are leaving because of something else. Those final, desperate words never save anything. I also share when it's "safe." I have shared with those men who I can't ever be in a relationship with because they are unavailable. That's safe. Again, they can't leave me if they weren't available in the first place. Some of these people know more of me. But no one really knows me. No one would ever really understand me. The real me would scare most people away.