The road not taken
Today, I spent a fair amount of time talking with a coworker about how I ended up where I am. Often I wonder about the road not taken. I was in such a hurry to grow up when I was 18 years old. I couldn't wait to play house. I couldn't wait to move out of their house and to take care of myself. I wanted a job that would pay me enough money so I would never be dependent on anyone again. And I got it. From the beginning. When I was fresh out of college, I had a "real" job where I was required to wear suits every day, to negotiate with lawyers and insurance carriers. My then boyfriend (I hate that word) and I broke up shortly after I started. But I continued down the professional path. I poured myself into my work. I was focused. For my efforts I was promoted. This didn't satisfy me though. I wanted more -- more money, more responsibility, more respect. So I chose to go to law school. I was determined that when I got there, I would be the most focused person in the room. I didn't see a need to make any friends while I was there. After all, that would only get in the way of getting to the top. In the way of making it. And in the way of never needing anyone for anything. (Fortunately I got off this mindset rather quickly and did make a few friends along the way in law school.)
In the process of all of this, I never stopped to act my age. I didn't consider traveling anywhere. That's a luxury of the privileged, a set from which I come, but I didn't want to avail myself of it because it would mean being dependent. And I never wanted that. I like to think that I considered other careers, other options, but not really. I chose what I knew I'd be good at, what was safe, and what would pay me the money I felt I needed to earn to avoid dependence.
I sit here now completely independent. I don't need anyone else's money. I've also stopped being emotionally dependent too. After the breakup, I vowed never to let someone get that close to me again. And I've kept that promise to myself. I've never let anyone in the same way. I highly doubt I ever will. (I know this sentiment would cause many a therapist to send me into immediate emotional rehab, but too bad, it's how I feel.) But I wonder now, did I make the right choices? Will I just end up lonely and needing someone someday? For what? For money? For love? Can I live without depending on others?
I wonder too what would have happened if I had goofed around more, and if I stayed with him. Would I have been happy? Or at least happier than I am? I don't mean to suggest that I'm not happy. I am. But did I miss something there along the way? There were so many other paths I could have taken. I could have stayed with him despite our differences. Despite his cheating. I would probably live in the suburbs now and I probably wouldn't be a lawyer. A regional manager would probably be my job title if I'd taken that road. If I'd never met him, would I have stayed longer than a semester in Europe, joined the Peace Corps (don't laugh - I know it is very camping-esque, but what an adventure), worked abroad, moved to New York when I was young and carefree. There are so many things I think I would have loved to do, but didn't because I was driven and focused.
In the process of all of this, I never stopped to act my age. I didn't consider traveling anywhere. That's a luxury of the privileged, a set from which I come, but I didn't want to avail myself of it because it would mean being dependent. And I never wanted that. I like to think that I considered other careers, other options, but not really. I chose what I knew I'd be good at, what was safe, and what would pay me the money I felt I needed to earn to avoid dependence.
I sit here now completely independent. I don't need anyone else's money. I've also stopped being emotionally dependent too. After the breakup, I vowed never to let someone get that close to me again. And I've kept that promise to myself. I've never let anyone in the same way. I highly doubt I ever will. (I know this sentiment would cause many a therapist to send me into immediate emotional rehab, but too bad, it's how I feel.) But I wonder now, did I make the right choices? Will I just end up lonely and needing someone someday? For what? For money? For love? Can I live without depending on others?
I wonder too what would have happened if I had goofed around more, and if I stayed with him. Would I have been happy? Or at least happier than I am? I don't mean to suggest that I'm not happy. I am. But did I miss something there along the way? There were so many other paths I could have taken. I could have stayed with him despite our differences. Despite his cheating. I would probably live in the suburbs now and I probably wouldn't be a lawyer. A regional manager would probably be my job title if I'd taken that road. If I'd never met him, would I have stayed longer than a semester in Europe, joined the Peace Corps (don't laugh - I know it is very camping-esque, but what an adventure), worked abroad, moved to New York when I was young and carefree. There are so many things I think I would have loved to do, but didn't because I was driven and focused.
posted by LuLu at
11:23 PM
2 Comments:
Um, the Peace Corp.? Are you serious? What if you couldn't use your hot rollers?! You do know that it's pretty hard to walk in 4" heels in the mud and/or sand, right? And I am pretty sure that if there is a Ritz or a Four Seasons in a place, they don't really need the Peace Corp there.
No, just teasing. I get what you are saying (and I actually did consider the Peace Corp, along with teaching English in Korea and reading for books on tape, right after college but rejected it because I couldn't really see living in a hut somewhere). But you know, I think you have to trust your decisions. You are one of the few people I know who genuinely likes what she does. You knew where you wanted to be and you were driven enough to get there (and in absolutely no way can I picture you as a suburban middle manager type). Don't underestimate how important that is. Lots of people wander around BECAUSE they don't know what they want to do. That being said, I don't think your opportunities for goofing around are lost and gone forever. It just takes a little more creativity these days.
But I know where you are coming from. I have thought about what would have happened if I had become a teacher or if I had stayed in upstate NY. But even if I have days when I feel overwhelmed by my life (hello, melodrama!), I know it is better than the things I didn't choose.
Seconding THJ2, I think you have done a very good job of identifying what you need and getting it for yourself. That is a wonderful thing. So many people wander around aimless for so long, or worse, head down painful, contraindicated paths because they don't know what they want and just bounce around aimlessly.
But you can still - in the context of today - goof around and you can still trust/depend deeply. The beauty of it is that, in this phase of life, you can have these things as a complement to, rather than in lieu of, your independence. For what it is worth, I think that that is truly the definition of having it all. The entire world is absolutely yours for the taking. :)
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