The One?
The other day, I was accused of being cynical. It took me by surprise really. I don’t consider myself to be a Pollyanna by any stretch of the imagination, but at the same time, cynical seemed excessively harsh. The accusation was in reaction to my thoughts on love, marriage and “the one.” While I think that it’s a lovely idea that people generally meet someone in their 20s or 30s who will be their perfect mate or “the one” to go through life with and hold hands with on the porch while flipping through retirement home brochures at 60; I don’t think that this concept is very realistic. I can’t imagine that we all really ever stop changing enough. And if we’re really changing in a way where we stay true to ourselves; can we ever really expect that “the one” we chose to be with at 20-something will change in the same way with us as we get older?
I know personally, I’ve changed a lot and not at all over the years. There are parts of my personality that have been ingrained since birth that will never change. Maybe those are the parts that the 20-something “one” falls in love with to the exclusion of caring about the rest. But there are other parts of my personality that have changed. I’ve gotten stronger over the years. More confident. More aware of what I really want out of life. I can’t imagine that if I had met the perfect “one” at 20, that he would necessarily want today what I have come to believe is essential for my happiness. And if he was on the same page with me today, would that be the story at 40? Or 60? Hard to say. Maybe the changing slows down in time. But somehow I doubt it. I think we stagnate ourselves by allowing complacency to set in because it’s comfortable. This isn’t an absence of change; it’s a refusal to accept it.
At different points in my life, I’ve had relationships with very different men who all served a different need that I had at that time. Each one was right for the moment. When the moment was gone, the relationship ended. Maybe this fact scares me too much to think that the “one” is possible. During these times I’ve thought I was with the “one.” But he was just the one for that point in time.
I’m not saying that I don’t believe that finding “the one” is not a goal worth striving for, or that it isn’t an ideal worth pursuing. But I think the proverbial “we” can be hard on people for changing. Maybe I am just selfish in that I want the “one” to compliment the “me.” In any event, I don’t think I’m cynical. Overly analytical, maybe. Hurt before, definitely. Scared, likely. In end, perhaps love really does change everything and this post is all hooey. I want to believe that’s true.
I know personally, I’ve changed a lot and not at all over the years. There are parts of my personality that have been ingrained since birth that will never change. Maybe those are the parts that the 20-something “one” falls in love with to the exclusion of caring about the rest. But there are other parts of my personality that have changed. I’ve gotten stronger over the years. More confident. More aware of what I really want out of life. I can’t imagine that if I had met the perfect “one” at 20, that he would necessarily want today what I have come to believe is essential for my happiness. And if he was on the same page with me today, would that be the story at 40? Or 60? Hard to say. Maybe the changing slows down in time. But somehow I doubt it. I think we stagnate ourselves by allowing complacency to set in because it’s comfortable. This isn’t an absence of change; it’s a refusal to accept it.
At different points in my life, I’ve had relationships with very different men who all served a different need that I had at that time. Each one was right for the moment. When the moment was gone, the relationship ended. Maybe this fact scares me too much to think that the “one” is possible. During these times I’ve thought I was with the “one.” But he was just the one for that point in time.
I’m not saying that I don’t believe that finding “the one” is not a goal worth striving for, or that it isn’t an ideal worth pursuing. But I think the proverbial “we” can be hard on people for changing. Maybe I am just selfish in that I want the “one” to compliment the “me.” In any event, I don’t think I’m cynical. Overly analytical, maybe. Hurt before, definitely. Scared, likely. In end, perhaps love really does change everything and this post is all hooey. I want to believe that’s true.
posted by LuLu at
10:36 PM
1 Comments:
I think "the one" is a loaded term. It is fraught with so many unrealistic expectations - it is an encapsulation of the girlhood (and, okay, womanhood) fantasy that there is "one" who can be anything and everything for you, always. That's a 24/7/365/the rest of the days of your life commitment by this proverbial "one" AND they must focus on you 100% of the time. Man, the "one" is overworked.
Or, maybe, they aren't. {WARNING: Cheesy MATRIX analogy forthcoming) Maybe, like Neo, in THE MATRIX once the blinders are removed we can find the one. It is each one of us. We are our own "one" - and in that context, the expectations of fulfillment, complete attention and continued elation and affection and love till the end of our days is realistic. We can and should give ourselves these things. We often don't because we are looking the wrong way. I have spent my entire life looking for reinforcement from the outside in - this is a disastrous plan. It leaves you vulnerable to those that are wicked or simply careless. It puts those who are careful and concerned in a difficult position because it is an unfair amount of responsibility. It is all consuming. It is being the heart and lungs for someone else. It might work temporarily, but eventually something has got to give.
But back to where I started - or maybe to the middle - you are (as you said) and should be your own "one" and that is wonderful and perfect because in this life, very few people concentrate on trying to be "one" themselves. To be whole unto themselves. The aspiration in life should always be to end up in a relationship that totals "two" - but if there is only one "one" then, by definition, it falls short.
Okay, now I am beyond making any kind of sense. Officially shutting up now.
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